you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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