It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So squirting runs in the family.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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