He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
