i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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