I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
