I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
