i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
