i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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