I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
