so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
