i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
