No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You peed on a flamingo?!?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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