it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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