Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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