My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize