he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
