My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
