it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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