party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
