Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
