it's too hot outside to masturbate.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
