a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
