I want to make a zoo with you.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
