listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
