I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
