Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize