That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Houston, we have a blender
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
