We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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