All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
