Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
