remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
