I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
