Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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