Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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