Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
