i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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