Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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