so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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