I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
