my being single is dangerous.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
