thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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