I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
