ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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