Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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