guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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