everyone is single if you try hard enough
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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