My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
