drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
