Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
