Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
