I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
this beer tastes like vomit already
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
