plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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