I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
