The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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