Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
