i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
