Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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