just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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