Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
