You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
