forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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