Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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