so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
