She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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