Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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